I like my own company. I like being left alone and in my own world—but it is dangerous!
On the one hand, I feel calmed, lost in my own thoughts with no interruptions. Everything is put to rights and the world is a better place. My world, content and at peace with itself and all within it. It sounds idyllic, but it’s anything but.
Below the glaze that I have so lovingly painted lies turmoil. Bubbling just beneath the surface of that thin, curated crust of tranquility lies the true world in which I live. It is an ever-changing whirl of thoughts and memories that push ever harder on its fragile surface. At times, erupting through fissures, volcanic emotions burst upwards and relieve themselves upon the open world. Those are scary, uncontrolled times.
Repair and restoration are quickly needed, and my inner glaze, which I have carefully sculpted, shows many scars. These are all memories of times best forgotten, but I remember them purposefully—as a reminder, a lesson as to the cause and how to avoid it next time. Sometimes, it is too much to remember and I allow a wound to fester. It is weak and bound to break again, but I never know when, or what that trigger might be.
Today, I can feel the bubbling. I can feel that hot, constant flow of inner lava pushing at the mantle, looking for an escape. I am trying to soothe it. Cool the force from pressing and pushing to get out. I concentrate on the mundane: daily chores, things to do, getting out and losing my thoughts behind a lens. It works, briefly. Those thoughts again—I work hard, it is tiring.
The day is still young. It is bright, warm, and the blue summer skies soothe me. All is good, I tell myself, but my eyes keep a watch on the cracks that develop beneath. Strangely, I am not worried or concerned. I have a vast toolset at my disposal to use at times like this. My job is to know what to use and when. I am still here; I have chosen correctly. Well done me!
I fill my head with the positives. I envelop the blackness and push hard down upon the negative. Today I will achieve just a little something and feel good for it. Today, I will make a difference, even if only for myself, and I will feel good about it. My world is calming; I think I have found a balance? It may be just for a moment, a short time of calm, but I have given myself space to breathe and mended another crack… Now let’s move on.