Do I really care what people think of me? Yes. That persona of “I don’t give a fuck” isn’t me as much as I like to think it is. I would guess that we are all pretty much like that, but deep down, we do care about how people see us—how they talk about us and what they think of us. I might be wrong, and there will of course be exceptions to the rule, but…
It doesn’t matter if you want to be feared or loved, hated or liked, you still care about how you are portrayed. It matters; it makes a difference. The thing is, I do give a fuck. I give a fuck about many things, both big and small, and they make a massive difference to my life. Truth is, they probably make a difference to your life too, just in differing amounts.
What do I care about though—I mean, exactly? What is it that makes a difference for me, and how do I show it? How do I make those around me recognise what it is I want to be and who I am, and why does it matter so much? I am great at questioning my own thoughts! I could sit in my little safe zone all day, pontificating over all my inner thoughts, but I realise that it creates many of the problems that I suffer from, mentally, on a daily basis. I need to slow the process down, rise from my seat, and step out of my comfort zone into the wider world. The challenge is just doing it, not thinking about it. Unfortunately, I question how the world will see me, and ask myself: have I applied enough make-up before I go?
For me, I like to be seen as happy and content. I like to avoid arguments and rudeness. I enjoy a slower pace and time to observe. I enjoy a random chat with a stranger but equally love those solitary moments, even if they are in a busy environment. I want people to see me as being calm, engaging, and interested. I want them to be introduced to a clean, well-dressed, but casual person—someone you walk away from and remember, not merely as a passing shadow that clouded your day.
I feel I have things to say and share, and I mean more than just talking about my mental wellbeing. I have more to offer than that, much more. I have my problems, of course I do. I hide them where I can and hope they don’t show, but all too often they burst forward and drag me back to times I would rather leave a long, long way behind. It is difficult, but it is do-able. I’m sure of it (well, almost!).
So do I care? Bloody right I do. I care about what people think of me. I care about how I am perceived in the wider and increasingly angry, self-obsessed world we live in. It is important that we care; everyone should try it. It makes a difference. Ultimately, if I am happy through caring, that aura rubs off and those around me will sense the positives in me, letting the negatives—the problems—dissolve back into the shadows where they belong.