Being frustrated with oneself is a depressing place to be. These last few weeks have been exactly that, with the last four or five days being particularly bad. For once, I don’t feel a danger to myself; in fact, I am remarkably calm, and that is where the problem lies.
At the moment, I have lots of different emotions and feelings running around. They have been consuming me for a while, and like a pot on a stove, they are beginning to bubble over. I have managed, thus far, to keep them simmering but lack the ability to turn the flame completely off. With what little control I have, I think I haven’t done too badly. However, it has got to the point where I have now started the process of seeking outside help again. That in itself aggravates me, but needs must; it’s the right thing to do.
The calmness is what made my mind up. It is something I have always been wary of—a sign that certain things need attention, and sooner rather than later. It is an inner feeling, not apparent to others, hiding just beneath a very thin surface. Strangely, anger and frustration are what show, being just some of those simmering bubbles rising to the top. The calmness, however, takes me back to a less than happy period in my life where a decision was made and actioned in such a calm, purposeful way that I have been cautious of it ever since. It is not something I want to repeat, ever, and I will do what is necessary to help myself kill that flame under the pot.
It would be wrong of me to say that I am not worried, but I don’t feel that I am in crisis, and I have spotted certain indicators in time. Experience and the help I have received from others has proven my saviour, although in the end, it is I who will have to do the work to prevent the horror. Fight on, but I do need the assistance of others.
I wish I knew what I could do to prevent this from happening. As you may have guessed, this is not my first time down this road. It is well trodden, which in some ways is a good thing because we have placed many signposts and markers along the way to steer me in a better direction. They generally work well, but every now and again the fog covers the signs and I walk straight past. This time, although still a little misty, the fog has lifted enough to make out a large diversion sign in front of me. I have heeded it and now walk away from trouble rather than headlong into it. However, diversion signs are only temporary, and eventually you are led back to your original path—unless, of course, you find a better route along the way. I’m looking really hard.