Some days I wake up and just want to scream “FUCK, WANK, TIT & BUM” at the top of my voice. Actually, I want to shout it many times and as loud as I can. It comes from a deep frustration with myself and a disappointment that I have touched on before. Give me bloody strength. I know I am the only one who can change it, yet I waste so much time pontificating about doing something that by the time I actually want to do it, the moment has passed and I am already pontificating about something else. I am bloody useless!
I think I’ll just throw myself under a bus and be done with it—the space I leave would be far better used by someone else.
Okay, so that’s not happening today, but it underlines the feelings. What is it about my mind that makes me who I am and, more importantly, what can I do to change it? I need to change, radically, some life choices that I have made either consciously or subconsciously in the past. I need to stop feeling so guilty or self-aware of how I am or might be perceived by society, or even friends and family. I need to choose a path that brings me happiness and fulfillment and stop worrying about the what-ifs and maybes that life is inevitably going to throw my way. Maybe a ballsy, selfish approach—something totally out of left field?
It is becoming more and more apparent to me that the longer I wallow in the dark, the greater the danger of finding the right bus. It’s not what I want, and it’s something I fight bloody hard to avoid. I can’t explain why I get the feelings that I do, but at some point, things have to give, and I don’t want them giving in the wrong direction. Sitting at home and constantly thinking doesn’t, in the long run, get you anywhere except maybe into corners you can’t find your way out of. We build our own barriers and then hope that someone or something comes along to break them down. Either don’t build them in the first place, or take them down yourself. You’ll feel better for it and move forward faster; it’s just the start, the first few steps, that hurts.
Of course, at the end of the day, it is a cinch to write the words down, but actually putting it all into action is a different matter entirely. I am sure that many would say just do this and just do that, but it is all a little more complicated than that. While I understand the frustration that may cause, imagine how it feels to me.
I have some great ideas from time to time which I am sure are going to break the mould, but I rarely if ever follow them through. I’m scared, lack confidence and knowledge, plus a few other unwanted add-ons. None of them help achieve the end goal, especially as you get older and you ask why you should bother—because in the end, is it really going to make a difference? And I suppose that’s it: will any of it make a difference to anyone, including myself? I was so close to typing “probably not” just then. What are we all trying to achieve in the end? A quality of life, happiness, love? Who knows, as it will be different for everyone, but surely having that feeling of satisfaction that you have achieved something has got to be one of them. I think we all probably want to be recognised for something, remembered for more than a blank face, a non-entity. I’m not talking world fame here—just within your own small group of friends or family, even just work colleagues, anyone!
I fear that I am going to be remembered as weak, grumpy, sad. Someone who had plenty of opportunities and always chose the path of least resistance, the easy path, something that didn’t require much effort. I think that maybe I shall be remembered as someone who was always looking for love and never truly found it. Not because I didn’t receive any, but because I didn’t know how to handle it or appreciate it more when I did have it. Even here, I feel I never made the effort required to really show and have love returned—that’s sad. We all want to be remembered for the smiles and happy times. Somehow, for me at least, I can’t see this happening unless the changes are made, and importantly, made before I get too long in the tooth to appreciate what I have achieved and enjoy the moments that I have helped create. It is all possible and is only an arm’s length away, ready to grab and embrace. At the moment I just can’t seem to stretch forward that extra fraction, but I’ll get there or die trying!