I’m not sure why I find it so satisfying, sharing myself with the world. It is an enigma. However, I wake every morning thinking of what is to come, what I can tweak and improve, and, of course, what I want to say or show. For the first time in a very, very long time, I feel there is some meaning and a certain direction to my life.
Me being me, of course, I am now thinking that as I am writing this down it could all go “tits up”—but I own it for now, and that can only be a good thing. I am not sure of all the reasons that I find it so enjoyable. One obvious one for me, though, would be control. Everything I do, say, build, delete, and edit is mine. I direct everything, and I think that control is important to me.
The whole thing also suits my “boxes” type of running my world. Everything has a place. If something is out of place, my world starts to falter. I can’t seem to balance the mayhem around me; basically, I lose control. Big problem. My mind continually, 24/7, strives to put things in the right box, and then a box within a box. It picks up all the pieces and neatly organises everything into a controllable, organised library, I suppose you could call it. Everything referenced, questioned, and answered. No grey areas here! If only it were that straightforward!
My brain struggles, and I suppose Journal67 is helping to tell my inner self how to do it, or at least what is possible. I am teaching myself new steps and showing myself different avenues I might try to achieve certain things. It doesn’t always work, and it can be bloody frustrating at times, but with a little determination and a willingness to compromise, I show myself that anything is possible. Of course, this doesn’t answer the question of why I feel the need to share all this and, to be quite frank, I have absolutely no idea. I certainly wouldn’t call myself an outward-going person and I like my privacy; it really doesn’t make any sense to me, but here we are. Bizarre.
The benefits to me personally, I am finding, are huge. This whole process is becoming therapeutic, fun, and totally different from anything else I have ever done. I am confident in saying, at this moment, that it is having a truly beneficial effect on my life and mental wellbeing, and I hope it continues. I hope I am able to keep pushing forward with this project, not only showing myself the power that achievement can have over you, but others too, who are not so fortunate in finding an escape.
This is not perfect, I am not perfect, and I certainly don’t profess to have all, or any, of the answers. But I do want to understand and fight for my survival; I just happen to have found something which I think might help—and if it does for others too, then so much the better.