I awoke this morning feeling disappointed with myself. It wasn’t about one thing in particular, more about the life and opportunities I have not undertaken, or failed in doing. I get frustrated and annoyed very quickly, and the older I get, the more I realise that it isn’t necessarily about others—it’s about myself and what I have become. I don’t like it, but I cannot really blame anyone else. It would be easy, and all too often is, to point fingers at others, but in reality we would do better to look at oneself first and work outwards from there.
There are lots of reasons we become who we are: countless factors and influences that ultimately make up the package that is us. However, we have to take responsibility for what we have become and accept the consequences. Can we change and improve ourselves if we are unhappy with our lot? I’m not sure, but we can, at the very least, try. Maybe these feelings have risen to the top of my thoughts this morning because I have arrived at a junction in my life where things simply need to change. I need to make choices that will improve my life going forward, and by extension, the lives of those around me. I don’t have all the answers, but there is definitely something afoot.
Last night, my partner made a comment that we needed to change things around a bit in the way we live. She wasn’t thinking of any one particular thing, but like me, felt that we need to look at how we are living and make some adjustments. I agree with her, and it’s something I have thought about on more than one occasion recently—so it is telling that I woke this morning with this weighing on my mind.
Of course, I am now pulling this apart to its most extreme limits, questioning everything in front of me. I don’t know where to start, only that something must change. We aren’t talking relationship problem-solving here—I think and hope we are solid on that front—but it is part of the whole picture. The “picture” covers a much broader spectrum and involves a host of list-worthy items that could make a genuine difference. Where do you start, though? What goes to the top of the list, and how simple can we make it?
For me, the very first item on my list would be the question: Do I want to change? Luckily, the answer is an easy and quick yes. There are lots of reasons behind that, but the main one is my mental wellbeing, which has not been good. I desperately need to address that, as I feel that if I don’t, the outcome won’t be a happy one. The second item is not so easy—in fact, I don’t know what it should be. There are too many contenders, and here I enter a world of choices where I begin to stall and ultimately get annoyed with myself. A vicious circle begins. A pinch of determination is required to push past this and keep it simple without overanalysing. Easier said than done; my brain just resists working that way, which causes problems and always has. That’s another thing to add to the list—though again, I’m not sure where it belongs. Number two, perhaps?
Years ago, I would make decisions without a second thought. I had a confidence that has been badly eroded by various factors over time, which now makes decision-making complicated, difficult, and drawn out. Bloody annoying and frustrating, I know, but there you have it—it’s where I am right now. Can that be changed? Can I return to that confident person I once was? Only I can answer that, and more importantly, only I can make it happen. Maybe I need a bit more than a pinch of determination. I shall have to look into the spice cupboard and see what else I can throw into the pot to bring back some much-needed zing—even if I’m not entirely sure of the recipe just yet.
So the list is growing, but that’s the easy part. The actual doing is the hurdle. I am a master procrastinator, among other things. It doesn’t help that anything I decide needs doing now can conveniently be left until later. But no—I just need to get on with it and move forward.
Another barrier is how others perceive me. It plays a surprisingly large role in whether I actually get out and do things. It’s not something I usually care to admit, but what other people think genuinely gets to me. My photography is a good example: I can spend hours worrying about how I look walking around with a camera, taking shots of ordinary subjects. Do I look the part? Am I being too obvious or invading people’s space? Am I drawing attention to myself because of the hat I’m wearing? Should I even wear the hat? Does my gear look ridiculous? It’s an entire chapter on its own, but I do ask myself these questions. Even popping in a pair of earbuds to listen to music—the most innocuous thing imaginable—brings a wave of self-consciousness. It feels irrational and infuriating, yet stopping the chatter in my head can feel nigh on impossible.
Certain things need to change and be worked on. I believe tackling them will make a profound difference to my life, and it’s a process I truly want to embrace. I don’t imagine it will be an easy path, but it’s necessary for my own sanity. Maybe the first item on the list shouldn’t be a grand plan at all—maybe writing this down was step number one. What better place to start?